Changes: [When it came to editing and looking at my own essay, with this paragraph I added a quote and fixed all my run on sentences. I was told my transitions were good in this paragraph.]
The difficulties with working in areas that struggle poverty is that the people there have no pride for where they live and don’t care what it looks like because they believe nothing is going to change. That is why it is so important for art to be in these people’s lives because it opens up their perspectives on the world and that they can make a difference. When Haas and Hahn went to the city of Philadelphia and the area was broken down and dirty and perishing away, that’s when they decided they needed to help these people whether they had the money or not. So Haas and Hahn traveled all the way to the U.S and started their work. They lived with the people of the town they were working on and had cookouts and were able to hang out with them and even get to know them. “One of the guys that lived on the street, Elias told us that we could come and leave in his house together with his family which was fantastic.” Haas and Hahn really loved being able to bond with the communities they worked on. This allowed both men to see what the city was to the people from their perspective. They gathered enough volunteers and decided to get to work. They realized they couldn’t design something too elaborate that the volunteers could not do, so they decided to just paint random colors on the buildings which in the end looked beautiful. Even with color, it brought the community of Philadelphia together and it gave them confidence. Especially the volunteers who now knew that they could make a difference and that difference was made with art. Not money or wealth, but with precious art. Hopefully what Haas and Hahn did inspired the area of Philadelphia and other places around the world that are struggling, that change can be made simply by effort and trust in the process.

Changes: [In my conclusion paragraph, I was told I have a good closing sentence , but I had to add to further develop my paragraph and I did.]

Effective Altruists make valid points, but their values are quite different than mine. Art is never a waste of time in my eyes. Yes, art doesn’t stop children from starving and it can’t prevent diseases, but art can still change so many people’s lives. There could easily be a compromise between artists and the EA’S and that compromise could include everybody just focus on themselves, and what they can personally change in the world. It can give people hope and pride and even confidence to go out and be better and to change their ways for good. Art gives people perspective and people should learn to accept and cherish what it can do for us.